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Aan 'n goeie pel. 

Hierdie artkel laat my so baie aan jou dink - jy het oor jare my so geboelie en so minderwaardig laat voel - so dikwels net 'n 👍 of 'n "reg so" gekry; soms ure of dae wag vir twee blou merkies om te sê dat jy my boodskap gelees het. En dan was ek weer 'n keer kinderlik opgewonde oor die twee blou merkies en die 👍 en die "reg so". Vandag verstaan ek beter - dat dit vir jou 'n vorm van mag was wat jou "in beheer" laat voel het. My magteloosheid was vir jou mag. As ek hierdie artikel lees verstaan ek jou beter en, snaaks genoeg, voel ek diep in my hart baie jammer vir jou...

Liza Mullen skryf die volgende:

Why does a narcissist not answer you for several hours?

Assuming the narcissist is indeed a narcissist and is not answering or responding on purpose…

It is usually to keep you guessing and feeling uncertain, which causes you to ruminate about him/her (him in my case) and starts to create that little addiction in you from the high and low, the push pull. You can see he is reading the text messages but he’s not responding. He gets to do nothing, nothing whatsoever, he just sits back and watches the show unfold while you, however, start to panic, question, wonder what he’s doing, obsessively check your phone, get desperate for a response. All the while he’s off doing something (or someone) else, he might even just be watching TV, smirking every time his phone lights up. What are you doing? You’re constantly thinking about him and that is exactly what he. It creates a need and desire in you. It puts you on edge. It heightens your emotional state. You can’t wait for him to text back, so you call him. No answer. He was sleeping. He was driving. Really? Where was he? He always has his phone with him. Why is he ignoring me? What have I done to upset him? He eventually texts with "I can call you back, if you want". If I want? Why doesn't he just call back?

As simply as that, he’s provoked a reaction in you. He has purposefully ‘pushed your buttons’. It is an easy and classic emotional manipulation tactic, and a powerful one at that…if you react. It is very simple and very effective if you don’t understand what is happening or why.

When he eventually gets in touch, you are so relieved and happy to have heard from him, that addiction gets just that bit stronger, the trauma bond starts to form. You’re elated he’s back in touch! This is dangerous…it is releasing chemicals in your brain, you don’t know it yet, but you’ve just stepped on an emotional roller coaster.

I have a few examples of these narc games. The first time my narc-ex gave me the silent treatment, it only lasted for one full day and night. He didn’t respond to any of my text messages (including a pre-order request we needed to give to a restaurant for the next day). I sent ‘I love you’ messages, are you ok messages, please respond messages, am I seeing you tonight messages, all getting the time getting a little bit more desperate for him to respond. I could see he was reading the messages on WhatsApp. By night time, I couldn’t stand it and I was worried, so I called him. He didn’t answer. I knew he always had his phone with him…what was going on? I didn’t sleep all night wondering what I had done to upset him. The next morning when he finally contacted me, I was a bit upset and annoyed and told him that I’d had a sleepless night; I told him it was really mean to ignore me. His response? “Why are you making this all about you?” Then I was on the defensive. I was suddenly the one in the wrong. These sorts of games put you in a state of confusion. You could even be the one who ends up apologising instead of acknowledging how abominably you have just been treated. He ended the discussion with “Have you finished trying to tell me off? I know you don’t understand, but it is what it is”. Looking back now, he was so mean, nasty and unpleasant. I can’t believe I let myself be subjected to it.

Anyway, there are other variations of this that I recall. Once I text him a message and asked when I was next seeing him. He responded to the message but didn’t answer the question. I was left wondering and questioning, not knowing and uncertain about when I was next seeing my boyfriend (as usual) but too afraid to ask again in case I annoyed him or seemed clingy. Classic manipulation. They keep you guessing and you get caught up in the mind games. Narcs like to keep you waiting and hanging on for them. It gives them power and takes yours away…because you give it away.

Another example?

I hadn’t heard from him all day despite my attempts to get in touch with him. It was hours and hours later, almost midnight in fact, when he finally sent a text message. An ‘X’. That was it…one single letter. All day. I was, by then, so thrilled he had got in touch and that I wasn’t being given the silent treatment, it became enough for me. I was happy he was thinking of me and how romantic the text was because that one letter symbolised a kiss. That’s obviously all my loving man could manage after such a hard day in work. Awwwww. Wait…WHAT? All he could be bothered to do was text one single letter to me? Not even a full message? Not a phone call? All he was really showing me was that I wasn’t worth the bother. That I was lucky to hear from him at all because really, I was not worth the effort of him even lifting his finger to type a message. He text me one single letter but, at the time, it was better than nothing. How sad that he had managed down my expectations to such a point that a single letter, a late night text message, made me feel (I am ashamed to say) grateful that he had even been in touch.

You see how this works? By now you’re already addicted because of the previous silences and relieved contact…so now it’s time for your self-esteem to head for rock bottom, right where he wants you. His minimal efforts, his silence or a single letter text, shows you that you don’t matter, without even using words and this, this starts you on your journey down to the depths quite nicely.

The lack of response can be a few hours, to a few days, to weeks. The minimal response keeps you hooked. Keeps you in denial, making excuses.

Basically, a narcissist's lack of contact or purposefully delayed response is manipulation through and through. It is designed to create an addiction in you, a trauma bond. They know exactly what they are doing. By not hearing from them, they get you thinking about them constantly. Questioning. Worrying. Obsessing. Wondering when you will hear from them. By doing this, YOU are giving them power over you. Absolute power in some cases…just as simply as that. You have given him all your mind’s time and all your power and all he had to do was….nothing!